Hello friends,
We’ve made it—finally—to something resembling the change of seasons and the warmer weather being nearly upon is. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I haven’t been warm in well over six months, which is especially true for me today after having returned home after spending almost four hours in the rain watching my son’s soccer tournament. The joys of motherhood!
They say that our children can be our greatest teachers, and I believe this to be very true in my own personal journey this month. I once again seem to be grappling with the question of what I’m meant to be doing with my life coinciding with watching my son show me the answer through him leading his own life with clear heart and determination. It’s actually so simple, but somehow as adults we complicate what we truly want and are meant to do with distorted ideas of what success is, made even more complicated because this notion is so intrinsically linked to how much money we do (or don’t) make, and how we feel we are perceived by others.
I’ve asked James so many times, articulated in so many different ways, what he wants to do with his life over the last few months. Not because he needs to decide already—he’s 9—but just because I’m curious, and I enjoy hearing what his young, uninfluenced self comes up with. His answer has remained steadfastly the same: I want to play soccer. Professionally, semi-professionally, throughout school, as a gym teacher—it doesn’t really matter to him exactly “how” so much is that he gets to do it in whatever way is available to him. And although I’m fully aware that there are hurdles to this path, I feel like it’s my sacred duty as his mother and the steward of his life until he comes of age to support him in this. Many parents of a certain generation might say that supporting him in this is unrealistic and that he should focus on getting “good grades” so that he can one day “good job”. And maybe that’s true, but I also know so many people—myself included—who have spent too much of their precious time here doing things because they should, rather than because it’s what they truly want.
When I think back to my youngest years, I always wanted to be a veterinarian. I loved being around animals so much, but it turned out that science wasn’t my strong suit, and although I love animals, I’m not sure I would have loved being around suffering animals. So that fell by the wayside in favour of just having animals, whether that was a turtle, fish, dogs, or a guinea pig (thanks, Mom!). The thing that has stuck with me, however, across all of the ages, is that I have always, always loved to write. It is, I believe, my way of moving through this world, my way of expressing my truest and innermost self, and my way of having a heartfelt, silent exchange with those who I’m lucky enough care about reading my words. Yet somewhere along the way this path, that has always been so clearly meant for me, became muddied with ideas of success, paying the bills, being considered legitimate. Not to mention that the very fact of being a writer—in any capacity—is damn hard. A quote (attributed to a few different writers, Hemingway among them) sums it up pretty well: “Writing is easy. You just open a vein and bleed.”
In the last month, as James has been showing me what it means to have the courage to choose what you love and screw the rest of it, I’m finding myself really needing to break up with all ideas of work and success that have been imparted on me over my lifetime. I can’t (yet) break up with work altogether, since there are actual bills to be paid, but I am truly enticed by the idea of stripping it all back to the last time and place in my life when I can recall not giving a shit about what I was “supposed” to do—for work or anything else; a time when I never compared myself to what other people were doing, and instead allowed myself to give voice to what I felt was intended for me, and me alone.
I have a vivid memory of being around 18 or so—likely it remains vivid for a reason—and while in conversation with a friend about what we were going to be when we grew up, I uttered these words: “You know, I don’t really care if I work or not when I’m older. I know everyone else really cares about having a career and being able to say “This is what I do” but I kind of wouldn’t mind just staying at home, being a mom and wife, and writing. If I could do those things, and do them well, I think I would be really happy.”
Even as I type the words out, I feel stunned, blown away. Because I’m pretty sure, no, I know, that this was my truest self coming through in that moment to give me the answer—on a silver platter—to the question I would then grapple with for years because I didn’t have the courage to listen. I think I would have saved myself a lot of confusion, a lot of wasted energy comparing and trying to be something I was not, and a lot of striving for something that I never truly wanted if I had.
Don’t get me wrong—I don’t regret my life. The journey, as they say, is the reward. And I think I was also meant to collect all of the work-life experiences I’ve had—from being an administrator, an editor, an independent greeting card maker, and communications manager—they’ve all served. But the truth, I’ve discovered, after more than two decades, remains the same as it was when I was 18: If I could just be a mother, a wife, a writer—and do those things well—then that, for me, is how success is defined. And I think—I hope—that I’m finally brave enough not only to know it, but to live it.
Prompt Of The Month
I share this latest experience of mine not because I think you want to hear all about the inner workings of my struggle with my purpose and ideas of success, but because I know that a) this is a universal conundrum and b) hearing that you’re not alone with these big questions can be of comfort. So, with that in mind, I offer you these prompts for writing, or meditation, or both, that I’ve been working with in my journal this month in the event that they might be the very thing you need to help you find your own answers right now. So grab a pen and paper, light a candle, sit down and see what comes through:
What would I do with my time if I knew that I couldn’t get it wrong?
What ideas of success are harmful to my emotional wellbeing?
How can I redefine success that has nothing to do with money
Meditation Of The Month
Rebecca Campbell is one of my most trusted teachers in the spiritual community for her authenticity and kindness. She has many guided meditations online for free, but if this topic of following your heart and intuition speaks to you in particular, here is a brief but powerful 5 minute meditation from her to help you tap into your heart wisdom.
Yoga of the Month:
As I’ve been leaning more into my writing, I’ve decided that it’s best to let that be my “thing” for now. However, I am still a devoted yoga practitioner and teacher, even if it’s not in the traditional way of being in studio. And so, to that end, I love sharing my favourite practices with you from others that I follow. Yoga with Kassandra has an excellent yin yoga series that works with the chakras. This one focuses on the Third Eye, which is the seat of intuition and insight. This helped me when I was really feeling stuck and hopefully it can do the same for you.
Final Thoughts
The point, I think, of this whole human-ing thing is to figure out for ourselves what makes us truly feel successful, lit up, fulfilled, and at peace. No one can give us the answer, and it is unique to each one of our lives—it could never be that there is only one way. I also think there are some important caveats to acknowledge when it comes to this idea of success as I’ve defined it here for myself, so as to not add unnecessary pressure or guilt:
1) The answers to those questions can, and will, change over time as we evolve.
2) There is a lot of inherent privilege that comes along with even having the space and wherewithal to ask those questions of “What do I want to do?”, and “What is success to me?” But having that privilege doesn’t mean you can’t, or shouldn’t, ask them. There are people who don’t have the type of lives that allow them to think about anything beyond the status quo or their very survival, and if that is not you, then you must allow yourself to ask the questions if they are coming to you, without guilt. Because if they could, they would.
3) As James continues to teach me, it takes a boat load of bravery, a fierce belief in your own self and your own heart, and a massive dose of believing in possibility involved in all of the unraveling and redefining of what success is for you. That takes time and there is no age by which you must get there. It takes time—to cultivate, to heal, to get to know yourself, to not be afraid. And that’s okay.
4) It also takes a little bit of magic and childlike wonder to open up to possibility, and not be constrained by traditional expectations we’ve all had thrust upon us.
As we get more into the summer months, I invite you, in this brighter, lighter season, to not take it all so seriously. To open up—playfully—to the curiosity of “If I could do it any which way, and didn’t care what society, or family, or friends—or my inner critic—would say, how would I do it differently? Or better yet, would I?” And maybe, as you do, you might also dig deep inside and pull up that bit of courage your 9 year old self had to help you see what answers come through, and where the road less travelled might take you.
Until next time…
All good things your way,
Allison
PS: If you want to read my latest article for Today’s Parent in my monthly Sunday Self Care Series, check it out here.